Baby Snaga. Baaaaaabyyyyyyy Snaga. I got you in my sights. I see you. Over there. Looking sharp. And beautiful. And shiny. And…. Miniature.
Baby Snaga is the award for the also-rans. It’s a reward for the writers who are good enough to get into the finalist circle, but not brawny enough to take Papa Snaga from the hands of an unwitting world audience. This is what happens when a man destined for a Baby Snaga tries to touch Papa Snaga:
Do you see the crazed gleam in his eye? That’s the look of a man who knows that Snaga will never be his. He can pet Papa Snaga’s curves, but if he ever tries to wield the big man himself, he’ll probably chop off a toe in a tragic woodcutting accident.
Warning to readers: that crazed, sad, pathetic little man above, there, THAT could be me. This is why I need your help. Desperately. Desperately. Need. Your. Help.
The David Gemmell Legend Award is given to the best heroic fantasy of the year as voted on by people like you. That’s right, every award has its foibles, and the David Gemmell Legend Award’s foible is this: THEY’RE TRUSTING YOU.
This year, the finals of the DGLA include a very talented pool: first, the Frenchman, Pierre Pevel, author of The Cardinal’s Blades. Pierre may or may not have been involved in ruthlessly mocking my pronunciation of “Cardinal Richeliu.” Oh, you think you can do better? Just try: Cardinal RI. SHEH. LYOOO. Doubtless Pierre will have the Francophile vote locked down. Anglophiles, consider this a direct challenge to your manhood. Or. Womanhood…
Besides, what have the French ever given us except extremely good clothes… and great wine… and great cheese… and great architecture… and charming waiters… and Lilu Dallas clothed in a bandage?
Secondly comes Peter V. Brett. Who, to my eternal envy, has upon at least one occasion, hugged the aforementioned Milla Jovovich (although it is believed at this time that she was not wearing the bandage at the time of said hug). Peter Brett is the talented author of The Painted Man and The Desert Spear. He is also a noted hugger.
Thirdly, Markus Heitz has burst upon my consciousness like dawn after a night of too much fun. Markus, despite having infiltrated my own exquisite publisher in the US and UK, is carrying the honor (and zillions of votes) of yet another great Old World country: Germany. Dah Dah Dah. And besides, what have the Germans given us? Except music. Philosophy. Poetry. Clocks that run on time. Cars that actually look good. 18-hour Opera. And kick-ass fantasy stories. Oh wait, forget that last part. Don’t vote for him! Look over here! Me! Over Here! The American. Ah, crap.
My fourth and fourth-and-a-halfth opponent is the ubiquitous (and also American) Brandon Sanderson. Brandon is the author of approximately 417 novels. Who is also known as the man who has lost the David Gemmell Legend award more times than anyone else has even been nominated. However: DO NOT PITY THIS MAN. He is also the only man in the world known to proficiently dual-wield Baby Snagas (having had more practice than anyone alive). And of course, the other halfth of his team is the utterly inimitable Robert Jordan who is, indeed, a legend. And if you vote for Robert Jordan (a personal hero of mine), I might someday– after a long and bitter time of personal sorrow–forgive you.
Ok, fine. So the field’s crowded. And the other guys… They’re not half bad. Not even those guys who are splitting a Snaga in half. So, here’s the reason you should vote for me…
Ok, well gosh darn it, I’m just pretty psyched that I get a Baby Snaga! So thanks all you guys for getting me this far in the David Gemmell Legend Award. And, if you’re a glutton for punishment, you can throw in a vote on the losing side. It’s only a couple clicks of your mouse, and maybe you’ll help me sacrifice some dignity by coming in a distant fourth rather than a distant fifth-and-a-half (I hate it when the write-in votes for Mickey Mouse beat me)! Go here to vote.
Thank you so much for the honor, and I hope I entertained you with this brief fight preview! (raw-KEY, raw-KEY, raw-KEY, ROCKY!) C’mon, even the Russians voted for the underdog, and that was during the Cold War!