(New for December 2014)
A few silly questions:
1. What’s it like to be famous? Do you have a rider in your speaking contracts? Do you demand titanium water bottles at your podium? Do fans throw their underwear at you when you’re on stage?
Being famous is awesome. Whatever you can imagine — it’s better than that. We tend to complain about fame so that people don’t know just how good it is. 24/7. Good. It’s amazing.
I wake to a Swedish massage. No seriously, that’s my alarm clock. And I go to bed with Reiki. In between, I do things illegal in 34 states, with police, and they just smile at me. Because fame. I’m not even typing this answer. In fact, I’m not even dictating it. I have people for that.
2. How’s your Bulgarian writer doing? Are you paying him any more now that you’re a New York Times bestselling author?
Unfortunately for my Bulgarian, he forgot to add an escalator clause to his contract with me, so it turns out he’s still working somewhat below minimum wage for the next year or so. It turns out that if you know the right people in Monaco, and can get diplomatic visas, indentured servitude is still totally a thing. Unfortunately, his contract will come up in about a year and a half, so please don’t anybody talk to him in the meantime.
3. Will you ever write a Ninja Kitty Night Angel novel?
It’s already finished. I’m just not showing it to anyone to punish impertinent questions.
Pivot Questionnaire (made famous by Inside the Actors’ Studio)
1. What’s your favorite word?
2. What is your least favorite word?
3. What turns you on?
[This answer omitted because it would be awkward to dictate to my assistant.]
4. What turns you off?
5. What sound do you love?
6. What sound do you hate?
My name repeated over and over and over.
7. What is your favorite curse word?
8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
9. What profession would you not like to do?
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
“Hey, I gave you long enough to finish your last series. Now get in here!”